My friend recently told me about a conversation she had with another engineer at her job. She was describing how her team seems to have one archetype she doesn’t fit into. The entire team is more senior than her, all male, and tend to focus more on the purely technical and not the glue work1 that makes up a large chunk of professional software engineering . There have even been recent instances where she’s seen communication fall apart completely. As a mid-level engineer interested in IC growth and promotion, it’s difficult for her to see how to do that when the team is only rewarding and supporting one archetype and type of person that she doesn’t want to fit into.
She told this to a staff level male engineer on another team, and while he was well intentioned, he asked her if she thought about management since she seemed to keep bringing up a lot of issues that management works on.
I’ve been used to being the only woman in the room since I was 14. It still affects me the same way it did when I was a teenager. There’s even science backing up how I feel.2 When I’m the only woman in the room I immediately feel self conscious and like the entire weight of my sex rests on my shoulders. I wonder if I’m coming off as too nice or too much of a nag. When I make a technical suggestion I wonder if people are even hearing what I’m saying or dismissing me because I’m a woman. I can also feel myself internalizing that since there are no women around me, I don’t belong. There’s a lot going on in my subconscious brain.
So eventually when things make their way to my conscious brain – and I’m an engineer, I like solving problems – I bring it up and try to figure out a solution. I have a real vested interest in making sure my work environment feels inclusive to me. It impacts whether or not I get a promotion, how much I’m paid, or if I am just plain happy in my day to day.
However, more often than not, it feels like when women bring up a company’s lack of representation or another cultural issue, the problem then falls on them to fix it. And this often subtly leads the woman into management. “We need more people like you to help us with our diversity,” is something I’ve heard a lot as a female engineer, and when I spend even a portion of my time on people related tasks, I naturally get better at it.
It might be counterintuitive, but promoting women into management may actually hurt gender diversity, too.3 It subtly reinforces the notion that women aren’t technical but are instead managerial. A lot of women, myself included, are drawn to the not purely technical. And a lot of women are also good employees and will excel at a job they are tasked with, but that doesn’t mean they should go into management.
I don’t want to be a manager right now – I like helping people grow and I like improving culture, but I have a lot more fun building things. At the moment, I know management won’t fulfill me. I know this because I’ve spent a lot of time introspecting about my goals, which is something all women should do, otherwise, I’m willing to bet, well meant advice is likely to lead women directly into management.4
So what are a couple things allies can say to a woman when she brings up “diversity”?
- Validate what they’re feeling. There’s a lot of nuance and we’re fighting social psychology right now. Chances are women are right when something feels “off”. A lot of women I know in engineering have asked themselves the question “Am I crazy?” when thinking about their experiences. This puts a lot of us in a vulnerable position when we share our stories, so when someone feels comfortable enough to share her story with you, this should not be treated lightly.5
- Promise your friend or colleague you will bring up diversity and champion culture more – allyship is key. It also normalizes the idea that all people and culture problems are everyone’s problems, not just those who are affected. Just make sure that if you’re repeating any ideas from others that any credit goes to where the idea came from.
1 https://noidea.dog/glue
2 One study I recently read: https://www.bu.edu/wgs/files/2014/12/Karpowitz-et-al.-2012.pdf
3 https://pubsonline.informs.org/doi/10.1287/orsc.2017.1132
4 https://hbr.org/2018/11/the-subtle-stressors-making-women-want-to-leave-engineering
5 https://larahogan.me/blog/mean-time-to-women-in-tech/
